Love-RN no more.

Today was just any ordinary day with extraordinary revelations. I still talk about him with some of my friends whom I know will not tease me. Gladly, she just listened to me. As we talk about our lives including our career, faith and singleness, eventually he came out of my mouth.

I narrated my first ever hang out with him and some of our friends from the hospital. Minute that passes by gave me reasons to drop the feelings I have for him. And just a while ago, I declared that this will be the last day I’ll talk about him.

Lessons learned:

• A woman doesn’t need to beg for a man’s attention.
• A woman should never draw her identity from a man.
• A woman must be pursued, and the man should be able to lead her.
• Both must be complete in Jesus’ love before committing in a relationship.

Beauty from Ashes

February 14, 2017
Valentine’s day. One whole day to celebrate love, confess affection, commit a relationship, pledge engagement, vow in marriage. And mostly, this day was stereotyped for couples while single men and women were left alone. 

A couple of my friends from work decided to celebrate this day in a different way, to trek Mt. Pinatubo. A dormant volcano since 1991 located in the borders of Pampanga, Tarlac and Zambales. It was coined as the second largest eruption of the 20th century. (All informations were gathered from our local guides.)

A day off from scrub suits

We arrived in Tarlac quarter to seven in the morning, and the usual routine of hikers were to register names and sign waivers. Each 4×4 vehicle was able to cater four to five hikers and we started to track the fields of ashes which took us one hour and a half until the drop off point while being escorted by some military vehicles (carrying unused explosives, a bit scary😱). 

Panoramic sand view

💣😱

Capturing the experience

My first 4×4 ride 🚗

Stairs were made to reach the lakeside, our local guides’ kindness brought us blankets were we can use to sit upon and have our lunch. Brief narration of this historical event was provided by Sir Eric, leaving me more astounded. To our surprise, they even handed out a single stemmed fake red rose, a cut out heart and a small bar of chocolate for us, specifically our group (single women).

Hardest part of the hike

🎶what treasure waits within Your scars. This gift of freedom gold can’t buy. I bought the world and sold my heart. You traded heaven to have me again.

This part of the song reminded me of one particular scripture, in Romans 5:8, but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Someone has to die to pay for our sins, a blood must be spilled to cleanse us from our transgressions and a Father gave his one and only Son to save mankind. All these pointed us back to the love of a Father.

Maybe, you are struggling right now with your relationship to your family, a friend or partner. Or you are having difficulties of self acceptance, believing that you are unworthy of love, experiencing insecurities, that God forgot you because you are still single or maybe each day you are still stuck with the problems you have. To tell you the truth, negativities, disaster, problems and illness will always be here in this broken world. But Jesus said while crucified on the cross, “It is finished.” You are now hidden in His righteousness, at that moment you are now called a child of God. This is called grace, a gift freely given to everyone. This is me saying He is calling out to you, extending His arms to receive you.

I am standing on the ashes from the eruption, tears leaking, arms wide open and pouring out my heart to thank our Father for His goodness, graciousness and greatness.

Let me encourage you with another verse, in Psalm 145:8, the Lord is rich in love. In him there is no shortage of love, because it is abundant, infinite and precious. 

Offense and Defense

October 14, 2016

It is a sunny weather today and it feels good to be out on a sunshine while doing my laundries and blogging. The humming of the washing machine kinda soothes me, winds blowing and thinking. I was crying last night, harder than the rain. I was about to write this last night but decided not to. I know a lot of emotions will be involved and maybe I’ll utter words not appropriate or I might end up with a decision that I’ll regret later. 

It is true that being a Christian will not give you a happy, storm-free life, the answer is not ‘yes’ all the time. In fact, it is a difficult path, a journey with a lot of detours, you’ll always be balancing between your choices and an experience of pain and hurts. But why did I choose this? I’ll tell you but I have to lay down my case first.

Recently, I have been struggling with my emotions. I feel envious of my siblings because of the attention my mom is giving them. I am an outcast. I feel unloved. 

Second, I am drowned in the clinical area of complaints, of my co-workers unnecessary comments, of their foul words. I even adapted to it. And so, I am back to my temper problems, of seeking instant gratification.

And I say that I am a Christian, how ironic? And with one remark from someone I dearly love, my spiritual leader, she said:

“I’m so disappointed what comes from your mouth. Maybe di lang ako, but God also. Pero okay lngsufficient naman  ang grace ni Lord. Speak life!”

I broke down and cried because I was offended. She doesn’t know what I am going through right now. I am furious. But as I dig deeper on what she means, I calmed myself and prayed and a lot of thinking.

Each day of our lives, we receive offenses from a stranger, from our families and friends and from our Heavenly Father and we take it grandly. At the same time we defend by making excuses, pointing others, having a prideful heart and keeping the ego intact.

Realizations start pouring. Jesus received offense too. How? He is the Son of God yet mocked, abused and judged. He didn’t defend himself, rather took them and said while on the cross that ‘It is finished.’. These words mean everything is finished. Your pain, brokenness, unloyalty, anger, feeling lost and being alone are gone because He paid the price. Me being a sinner is finished as well as you. It all comes down to his grace, because of his love. 

And to that offender yesterday, I am thankful that I have her. I am a sinner that needs a Savior. I need Jesus. My Lord and Savior. Lover of my soul.

How about you? If you still think of getting back on them, remember that a man paid the highest price for you. Pause for a while, don’t rush into making a decision, and pray. Prayer works all the time. Communicate with God, ask Holy Spirit for guidance.

I’ll end it with this verse from Jeremiah 31:3,

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;

therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.”

‘Ulap’ hugs

The adrenaline that I feel during hike were incomparable. Yes, I may have experienced shortness of breath, cramps, fall and failing knees but I can not give up. Adrenaline is a substance that is released in the body of a person who is feeling a strong emotion (such as excitement, fear, or anger) and that causes the heart to beat faster and gives the person more energy (Merriam-Webster).

Mt. Ulap coined its name because during a time that it was surveyed, clouds surround the mountain ridges. And maybe, its altitude gave the clouds the opportunity to touch the ground. This mountain is located at Itogon, Benguet with a 1846MASL altitude. Thinking about how high I’ve reached and how vast my eyes caught, gave me the feeling of giddiness and excitement to see our Creator’s work.

We started the trail at 0400H with minimal rain, fog, a temperature of 14-16 degrees centigrade and entered to a paved trail that goes up, killing me breathless. I have to inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, synchronizing my breath with my steps. If you have breathing problems or asthma like me, better to consult your physician before your hiking activities and checking if the altitude fits you. I still pushed through, fulfilling my goal. Along the trail and with our native guides, you can see pine trees, grasslands, rocks, boulders and note the feces of cows. Can you imagine these? Being away from the city of buildings, of concrete and polluted road, of instantaneity.

First peak and more fog or I should say clouds. I had cramps going down the first peak and these two amazing heaven sent guys helped me,they waited for my pain to subside and checked if I can walk well. We reached the Gungal rock, I didn’t attempt to have my picture taken because of my legs and there were no sceneries.

One of my faith goals is to worship God on top of a mountain. I played ‘Heart open wide’ by Citipointe while we’re at the Gungal rock.

You have my heart and I have Yours, I once was lost but now restored. You are the Lord of all things new. Heart open wide I worship You.

With eyes closed, music being played, spreading arms and winds blown. What a perfect time to worship God, I felt that He hugged me, reassuring me of what is to come, taking away the weariness of my heart, replacing them with new hope, faith and love. 

Realizations:

1. In life, an escape is mandatory sometimes. Why? We were being consumed by the fast pacing society giving us immediate gratification. We were being choked by what we see, hear and feel clouding our ability to make new ideas.
2. Seeing the mountains,I remembered  my dreams. Big dreams that are almost impossible to accomplish. The hike reminded of my faith as said in Matthew 17:20,

“Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

We only have to go back to His promises and His word will always be the backbone of my faith and dreams. How about you? 

Mt. Ulap have been foggy throughout our hike but she gave me a clearer thinking, a renewed faith and an intimate time with Jesus. I will be back for a revenge climb.

My Victory Story

March 12, 2016

I can’t forget that day, it was the day that I publicly declared my love and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Before I was hesitant to undergo One to One with my friend. Why? It is because I thought of what my family will say but never thought of what God will feel or say about me. All I know that time when I think of it, I will be converted to become like them. I have attended Sunday Services, yet I am still hesitant even though I know that deep inside of me there is a hole, a missing piece of me which I can never find.

I grew up in a family where both of my parents work as OFWs. Since I was born, I didn’t get the chance to know them until I have my own perception. They came home once a year for 30 days. And we were left under the care of my aunt, my mother’s younger sister, whom I call ‘mommy or mame‘. I never knew what a church is, because my parents doesn’t have the time to teach me neither my mame because she is not that religious or I learned a little bit from school as a requirement. I had my first communion while I was in grade 3. We had mass at school and during my high school we had to get a signature from the priest or lay ministers as a proof that we attended the Sunday mass. As I listen to the priest’s sermon, I learn little by little about Jesus and about God.

I graduated from college and about to take a National Licensure Exam. I studied hard and even prayed harder to pass the exam and get a good score. I attended the Sunday mass regularly, prayed the rosary and novena on Wednesday. I even promised to bring more people to God when I achieved my dream, including my family. And hey, prayers are powerful because I am now a licensed nurse. I got work, slaved to earn money, exhausted physically because of work schedule, mentally drained because of my workmates’ insult and commentaries. That was when I was happy to leave that institution. My father then was forced to leave our house because of a chronic family issue, another addition to my problems. I was on vacation, it was summer and I stayed at home during Lent season. There were TV shows about Jesus’ sacrifice, crucifixion, death and resurrection. All those years that Lent season came, I didn’t understand what it means. It got me more curious why was Jesus’ life was a tragic one yet resurrected Him for what purpose.

I was called to another institution and met new friends, one of them was my Victory leader now. She invited me to attend Sunday services, and just wow. It was an amazing experience for me. After that service, I was even more curious but in return I have to follow Him and be baptized. My friend was patient and happy to answer my queries. I got worried what my family will say about all this I am doing. I wanted to but was afraid of others having to say something that can hurt me. I asked permission from my mother but she said if I am sure to what I am doing, I sensed she was hesitant and I did to. I turned my friend down, but what she answered was an eye opener,

” Nasa legal age kana, you can decide on your own.”

 That was when I’ve thought of it deeply. If I want my questions to be answered, to know what my purpose is and how to fight my battle, I have to decide.

We had one to one and it took almost a year before my Victory Weekend. I almost wanted to back out, to not attend our meeting because I am uncertain. It wasn’t an easy journey, becoming like Christ. Can you forgive people who hurt you, stabbed you, those people who left you and what was worse was can you love them? I can’t do that. Why does it have to be that way, to accept Jesus and accept those people. What changed my mind was, I am like them. I am a liar too, I’ve uttered hurtful words and even left some of them. I am one of them.

The only person who was not like us, He was Jesus. I cried hard for Jesus. Because He took all our sins, He bore our pain, He nailed all of them on the cross and this took His life. Can you imagine that kind of love Jesus showed?  He was crucified because of me, He died because of me. It is because of me. (I can’t control my tears now.) This was the truth that I was longing for, the answers to my question. The reason behind Jesus’ story being told every Lent season.

“For the wages of sin is death,but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 6:23

Jesus paid the price. I was bought with the highest price.

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,”

Romans 3:23,24

I understand everything now, because of this truth I know now where to draw my strength, my fight, my security, how to forgive, and how to love. I am a work in progress. I still have many things to learn from and I know my purpose now. Those verses I posted were my life verses, I live by them. These pointed out that I am a sinner and my need for a Savior. Jesus’ finished work gave us a gift, He gave us grace.

Now I am righteous, holy, and justified in the eyes of God through Jesus Christ.